RUNNING BACK: I Knew Better. I Went Back Anyway. 🙄

🙄 There is a particularly humbling moment in adulthood when you realize nobody dragged you back—you put on your shoes and ran.

Next up: Los Angeles.

On Monday, October 12, I’ll be at The Sun Rose bringing A Toxic Love to LA.

And somehow, “Running Back” feels like the perfect record to talk about on the way there—because telling the truth about what somebody did to you is one thing.

Telling the truth about what you did afterward?

That part is harder.

At least for me.

It is relatively easy to tell a story where you are clearly the injured party.

Here is what happened.

Here is what they said.

Here is what they did.

Here is where it hurt.

Everybody nods.

Somebody says, “You deserved better.”

And you go home with your dignity intact.

But then somebody asks:

“Why did you go back?”

Oh.

We’re doing follow-up questions.

Track #5 on A Toxic Love is called “Running Back.”

And this one requires me to admit something.

I KNEW BETTER.

My poem begins:

“I know better.
I know better.
I know better.”

Three times.

Not:

I didn’t understand.

Not:

Nobody warned me.

Not:

I couldn’t see what was happening.

I knew better.

That’s what makes returning so difficult to explain.

People want human behavior to operate like math.

If relationship = pain, then leave.

If person hurts you, then stop loving person.

If evidence proves the relationship is unhealthy, then your emotions should review the documentation, thank everyone for their time and promptly vacate the premises.

Except hearts are apparently terrible administrators.

According to The Dispatch, in the song, Chanté’s lyrics ask:

“Why do I keep running back to you?”

Girl.

If you find out, please forward the report.

Because I would also like a copy.

KNOWING BETTER AND DOING BETTER ARE NOT ROOMMATES.

I think that’s one of the things I understand differently now.

We throw around the phrase “you knew better” as though knowledge automatically overrides attachment.

It doesn’t.

You can know something intellectually before your emotional life has caught up.

You can understand exactly why a relationship is unhealthy and still miss the person.

You can remember the worst thing they did and still remember the funniest thing they ever said.

You can be furious and lonely simultaneously.

You can block somebody and spend the next three hours wondering whether they noticed.

You can announce to your friends:

“I AM DONE.”

And your friends don’t even look up from their drinks anymore because apparently they’ve heard Season Finale before and know the network has already ordered another episode.

Humbling.

Very humbling.

And yes, eventually Charlie starts looking at you funny.

There is something especially judgmental about a German Shepherd.

They don’t even need words.

Just ears.

One ear goes slightly sideways and suddenly you’re reconsidering your entire life.

WHY DID I KEEP RUNNING BACK?

Love.

Hope.

Habit.

Attachment.

Memory.

Fear.

The belief that the person I loved and the person hurting me could somehow be separated from each other.

The belief that if we could just get back to the good part, everything would make sense again.

That’s one of the cruelest things about a toxic relationship.

It usually wasn’t terrible every second.

If it were, leaving would be considerably easier.

There were beautiful moments.

There was laughter.

There were rituals.

There were private jokes.

There were ordinary Tuesday mornings that felt like home.

And when things fell apart, I wasn’t always running back toward the pain.

Sometimes I was running back toward the memory of the good part.

That’s an important distinction.

It doesn’t make returning healthy.

But it helps explain why intelligent people do things everybody watching from the outside finds irrational.

TOXIC LOVE MAKES YOU NEGOTIATE WITH EVIDENCE.

Maybe this time is different.

Maybe they understand now.

Maybe I understand now.

Maybe enough time has passed.

Maybe losing me scared them.

Maybe losing them changed me.

Maybe we needed the separation.

Maybe—

Maybe is an extremely expensive word.

I paid tuition.

Repeatedly.

And that’s why I needed “Running Back” on A Toxic Love.

Because if I’m going to make an album about a toxic relationship, I cannot spend the entire project positioning myself as somebody to whom things simply happened.

I made choices too.

Some were made from love.

Some from fear.

Some from grief.

Some from hope.

Some because I genuinely believed there was still something worth saving.

And some?

I probably should have stayed home.

That’s the truth.

THERE IS SHAME IN GOING BACK.

People don’t talk about that enough.

When you leave a relationship everybody thinks you should leave, people congratulate you.

When you return, you sometimes stop telling them.

Because you already know what they’re going to say.

So now you’re managing the relationship AND managing everybody else’s disappointment about the relationship.

Eventually you become isolated by your own embarrassment.

I think we need more compassion around that.

Compassion does not mean pretending unhealthy behavior is healthy.

It means understanding that shame rarely helps somebody leave.

If anything, shame can make them hide.

I don’t want “Running Back” to shame anybody who recognizes themselves in it.

I want it to say:

I know.

I know how ridiculous it feels.

I know what it’s like to hear your own advice in your head while doing the exact opposite.

I know what it’s like to be the strong friend and suddenly need the speech you’ve given everybody else.

I know what it’s like to think:

How did I become this woman?

And I know what happened next.

EVENTUALLY, I STOPPED RUNNING BACK.

Not because every feeling disappeared.

Not because I woke up one morning magically healed.

Not because the history suddenly meant nothing.

I simply began to understand that missing someone and returning to them were two different decisions.

That was huge for me.

Missing you does not mean I want you.

Love doesn’t always require access.

History doesn’t automatically deserve another chapter.

And sometimes closure isn’t the other person finally saying the perfect sentence.

Sometimes closure is realizing you’ve already heard enough.

I didn’t need to stop having feelings before I stopped running.

I needed to change direction.

That is what I hear now when I listen to this track.

At first, “Running Back” sounds like a song about returning to another person.

For me, it became a record about learning how to return to myself.

That’s a much longer run.

But at least I finally know where I’m going.

Queen Sheba × Chanté Moore × Lil Ronnie

A Toxic Love

Stream “Running Back.”

Listen to the full A Toxic Love album and tell me whether you’ve ever had a “Running Back” season of your own.

Share this with the friend who has announced “I’M DONE” so many times that the group chat now responds with a thumbs-up and continues discussing brunch.

And if you’re looking for Queen Sheba, Chanté Moore, Lil Ronnie, A Toxic Love, R&B music, spoken word poetry, R&B/spoken word fusion, live performances, concerts, festivals, interviews or booking information, come find us.

A Toxic Love will be submitted for GRAMMY® consideration in the Spoken Word Poetry category.

But it isn’t October yet.

I’m not interested in spending September asking you to consider an album without first telling you who made it.

So before ballots and campaigns, we’re giving you the stories.

The flattering ones.

The painful ones.

The funny ones.

And the ones where I have to admit:

I knew better.

I just hadn’t learned how to stop running back yet.

#RunningBack #AToxicLove #QueenSheba #ChanteMoore #LilRonnie #RnBMusic #SpokenWordPoetry #ToxicLove #Heartbreak #Healing #RelationshipHealing #NewMusic #GRAMMYs

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